I can’t sleep. Always sleepy but not asleep. Brain fog not quite thick enough to block my swirling thoughts. Thoughts of you all the time. On repeat. Like the days I keep waiting. A static pause in life. Humming and loud. Just make it stop or fast forward. The static is deafening. But here I am watching the paused screen. Without any capacity to change it.
Re-arranging
I’m feeling a shift in myself. I can’t really explain it other than I feel as though my insides are re-organizing themselves and light is getting in to dusty corners.
I’m not sure I like the dusty corners. It feels better to know that they are there and leave them alone. That disturbing them means making work for myself. But maybe
I need the work? Maybe I need that dust because when it settles and gets cleared away, a new picture will be there. One that I was always looking for but couldn’t
visualize until I cleared the dust away. It’s uncomfortable. It hurts sometimes. It makes me really sad a lot of the time. But yet I still have a tiny flame of hope.
Hope that this is part of the path. Hope that I am strong enough to do this. Hope that I am worth doing this. Hope that this flame will catch and light my life on fire.
ponyonaboat 